Russell Friedman Replies:

Hi again Sam,

You bring up some things that are troubling to many grievers.

One of the problems is that the people who care about us don’t know what to say or how to say it, which is based on there being so much mis-information in our society about grief.

We caution people to be careful for the phrases “I’m Sorry,” and even “I’m sorry for your loss,” especially when they don’t know either the griever or the person who died.

Even so, we recognize that people are well-intended with those comments, but the impact of them on the griever is often as you report.

It is difficult to be the griever and at the same time to try to educate people as to what to say or not say to you.

Over the years, we’ve taught grievers to say, “Thank you, I really appreciate your concern,” and not engage in a discussion about what was said, because it distracts them from the primary issue at hand, their grief. 

As to your second point about people calling you morbid: Again, this is the unfortunate by-product of societal mis-information about grief. In this case, it relates to the myth that “time heals all wounds.” That persistent myth causes people to say that beyond a certain arbitrary point after a death, that you are morbid when you are still having feelings about someone who has died.

Remember, we live in a culture that wants you back at work, looking good, feeling fine, and being productive, 3-5 days after someone important in your life has died. Makes no sense at all.

This is the same world that gives you six weeks off, with pay, when you break your leg, but only a very limited time when your heart is broken.

All that said, while we know that we're all affected by the words and actions of others, the most important thing for you is to take care of your own emotions about your relationship with your mother. The more you do on that, the less affected and troubled you will be by what other people say.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell Friedman
And
John W. James